October 17, 2015

Is there anybody out there?

I shouldn't be writing this. I should be writing my papers that are due after the weekend is over but I can't. I can't think. I can't feel. I can't write. Let's raise a glass to venting.

I am trying something new, something B calls honesty. Honestly with myself and with the people in my life. But the problem is that sometimes the sweet lies are better than the truth. The more I open up to myself and the deeper I look, the more I hate what I find. I shouldn't have expected the other people in my life to feel differently.

I want to write because I can't talk. I can't explain what is going on in my head or what I mean when I say that all I feel anymore is that I am drowning. I have fallen head over heels for a guy who couldn't be less interested but how can I know if that is real? Emotions are easy to fabricate and the longer you keep up the gimmick the more real they become. Let's just hope that this one doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. It isn't like it matters if what I feel is real; no matter how many of the right things that I do, no matter how hard I try, there are always chains holding us to our past. I would be a fool if I thought he would really cut himself free for me. I wouldn't either.

My chest aches. I can't think about the things I need to think about and I can't stop thinking about the things I shouldn't think about. But I guess that's life. We never really get to chose what our minds obsess over.

I feel myself spiraling. I hate myself more than ever and no matter how hard I try to do things right and put my life back together, the worse my decisions. I didn't used to be like this. I was always that good little girl who did what mommy said. That girl is dead. She was replaced by a bitch with no respect for the rules or the players in the game.

I am burying myself alive. Maybe that's how we escape from the pain. Focus on as many other things as possible before we break under the exhaustion and pressure of all the commitments. You can only bury the past and emotions for so long before they ruin you.

I am cracking and heaven forbid I actually break. If I burn, my world burns with me.

I am tired, lost, and angry. Much more and I might lose it. If I don't know who I am or what I am doing, how can I expect anyone else to interact with me like a normal person? Looks of pity and asking me if I am ok will never get me to open up. In fact, nothing will probably make me open up. I am terrified. No matter where I go or what I do, I can't stop messing my life up, and I hate myself for it. I have stopped looking for answers and I have started looking for a way to get away from my life.

I feel claustrophobic, like the entire world is pushing on my chest and all I want to do is run but I don't know where to go. Most days I just want to get in my car and drive until I run out of gas or I hit the border. Whichever comes last.

I've absolutely lost control of my life and I don't know how to regain control. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe the emotional strain of tonight is sending me to a dark place again. I don't know. But I am done. What I am done with, I don't know, but I came to college for new beginnings and it sure feels an awful lot like my life before college. 

October 11, 2015

Some Things Never Change

A lot changes in three years. I look back at my old self, the me in high school, and I remember who I was and who I loved. I considered starting a new blog - just someplace to get my thoughts out of my head but I realized that while I am a lot different now and I have new friends and I live in a new city with new experiences, I am still the same. Some things never change.

I still love fall and can feel the changes in the air as I watch the leaves fall off the trees.
I still want to change people and this world we live in.
I still haven't lost my ambition or love of life. I could never walk away.
I still wake up every morning ready to conquer life.
And it seems with this fall, I am falling in love again.

This new me needs a place to be expressive without fear of condemnation and I want to use this recently cleaned up canvas to be raw and unapologetic about who I am. I want to start being honest with myself and with my feelings. I am so done letting everyone else tell me who I am and I am not about to start my adult life out how everyone else thinks is best.

I think it is also time to start a new chapter of introspection - what makes me tick. Honestly, I am terrified of what I am going to find and what I am capable of but how can I take control of my life if I can't even control myself?

So here is new beginnings. Here is to being 21 in less than a month. Here is to unrequited love and all the complications it brings. Here is to family and all the pain they cause us. Here is to family and how no matter how bad things get, they are the ones who will always be there for us. Here is to honesty and knowing ourselves and what we are capable of. Here is to remembering that no matter how much someone means to you, a day may come where they stab you in the back in the name of friendship. Here is to friends, Lord knows we couldn't make it through this life without them.

So let's raise a glass to the new age of adulthood, Let's raise a glass to the raw and unadulterated beauty that is our minds.

April 7, 2012

Honor - Live - Create

I admit it - I write out my life in fiction. I guess you could really say that I draft out a dramatized version of the experiences that leave an impression on me. It really is therapeutic to be able to look at a situation on paper and see what I could have done differently or what worked/went well.

However, a dramatized version of life gives you an altered sense of the reality. What this means is we forget what is fantasy and fiction; then, we lose our grasp on reality. As wonderful as a fantasized version of our lives may be, when we wake up to reality we can get a "culture shock"

I have yet to hear it stated better:
Honor the past. Live the present. Create the future.

However, I usually say:
The past may suck, but it is what you were given. The present may hurt, but it is all you have to work with. The future is what you have left and what you do today will make or break whether your future will be exactly like the past. Don't let it.

Today, remember, your future is what you make of the today you have been given. The past is the past so there is nothing you can do about it, so move past. Live your life with no regrets, and in the end, there will be nothing for you to regret.

Honoring the past, living the present, and creating a better future,


January 14, 2012

Three Little Words

I Love You.

The first thought to this phrase is: "Aaaaaawwwhh!!" but I want to look at what this really means.

Definition of love: (From the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
I would like to direct your attention down to number1a and 4a-
strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
 I think this should give us a whole new perspective on the phrase "I love you" It isn't just for a man and a woman who are "in love" or even just for a mother and her child, in essence what you are saying is:

I have a strong affection for you based out of my unselfish and loyal concern for you.
In this case I think we should be much more careful about who we say "I love you" to, why we are saying it, and what we really mean. There is a big difference between, 'I love you" and "I kinda care about you"

What people don't realize though, is that most of the time it is the people around you who seem the most happy that need to be told, I love you, the most. Masks are so dangerous, and generally, they look like happy. So today, go tell someone "I love you," and mean it. Because you never know, you might just save their life.