October 17, 2015

Is there anybody out there?

I shouldn't be writing this. I should be writing my papers that are due after the weekend is over but I can't. I can't think. I can't feel. I can't write. Let's raise a glass to venting.

I am trying something new, something B calls honesty. Honestly with myself and with the people in my life. But the problem is that sometimes the sweet lies are better than the truth. The more I open up to myself and the deeper I look, the more I hate what I find. I shouldn't have expected the other people in my life to feel differently.

I want to write because I can't talk. I can't explain what is going on in my head or what I mean when I say that all I feel anymore is that I am drowning. I have fallen head over heels for a guy who couldn't be less interested but how can I know if that is real? Emotions are easy to fabricate and the longer you keep up the gimmick the more real they become. Let's just hope that this one doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. It isn't like it matters if what I feel is real; no matter how many of the right things that I do, no matter how hard I try, there are always chains holding us to our past. I would be a fool if I thought he would really cut himself free for me. I wouldn't either.

My chest aches. I can't think about the things I need to think about and I can't stop thinking about the things I shouldn't think about. But I guess that's life. We never really get to chose what our minds obsess over.

I feel myself spiraling. I hate myself more than ever and no matter how hard I try to do things right and put my life back together, the worse my decisions. I didn't used to be like this. I was always that good little girl who did what mommy said. That girl is dead. She was replaced by a bitch with no respect for the rules or the players in the game.

I am burying myself alive. Maybe that's how we escape from the pain. Focus on as many other things as possible before we break under the exhaustion and pressure of all the commitments. You can only bury the past and emotions for so long before they ruin you.

I am cracking and heaven forbid I actually break. If I burn, my world burns with me.

I am tired, lost, and angry. Much more and I might lose it. If I don't know who I am or what I am doing, how can I expect anyone else to interact with me like a normal person? Looks of pity and asking me if I am ok will never get me to open up. In fact, nothing will probably make me open up. I am terrified. No matter where I go or what I do, I can't stop messing my life up, and I hate myself for it. I have stopped looking for answers and I have started looking for a way to get away from my life.

I feel claustrophobic, like the entire world is pushing on my chest and all I want to do is run but I don't know where to go. Most days I just want to get in my car and drive until I run out of gas or I hit the border. Whichever comes last.

I've absolutely lost control of my life and I don't know how to regain control. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe the emotional strain of tonight is sending me to a dark place again. I don't know. But I am done. What I am done with, I don't know, but I came to college for new beginnings and it sure feels an awful lot like my life before college. 

1 comment:

  1. thank you for being honest. you are not alone. as much as it may not feel like a help right now, i will pray that if you've hit rock bottom, this will be a foundation you can build on. losing control is terrifying and painful and the best thing that will happen to you. i'm here if you ever need anything. miss you, friend.